The Tricryptogon

Banny And Lissa
by Dave Lerner

Sorry about the absence. I hope to be back by September 15 October 6, with a full explanation. Or, at least, a decent excuse.


Lissa: La La La, I'm A Happy Cow.
(Refresh for a different message)
Part 2: New Friends And Old
Chapter 56: Food Fight

Lissa clawed at baby-killer Duncan, deliberately hitting nothing vital. She wanted this to hurt. She took a few minor cuts herself, nothing she couldn't heal instantly. She had worn old clothes so that wasn't a concern; she'd come here for a fight. Of course, this was her last crappy T shirt. Well, tomorrow she'd go out and get herself some new old clothes.

The blood on it, hers and his, she knew would happen. She just wasn't expecting the cheese, hamburger, orange juice, etc.

Banny thought this was the best fight to the death he'd ever been in! Lissa kept the gonner busy, she was in no danger from him, while Banny grabbed fun things from the refrigerator and cabinets.

If Duncan stopped the spinning whirling slicing blades that were his hands, Lissa hacked and slashed him. He'd start up again, and...

Duncan had dodged the bottle of soda Banny had chucked at his head, and the yogurt bars were kind of a disappointment. The maple syrup was in a glass bottle, so Banny poured it on the blades as best as he could. And he didn't want to waste even speeded-up time with a can opener, so he ignored the cans. But apparently Duncan liked to bake. The eggs were everything he'd hoped, and the bag of flour...

The bag of flour, Banny would treasure that memory. Forever.

As the flour fog settled, and the room looked much brighter than a few seconds ago, Duncan's rage grew. His carpet, his paintings, his walls... his clothes!!! "BOBBY, YOU SLEEPING FUDGE-HEAD EAR-HOLE!!!" Duncan would have said, had he chosen a different bedroom activity, brown substance, and body orifice, and been able to talk without coughing every two or three words. "I live here! in a mess like this?" Both hands stopped spinning. The blades easily moved into any position, and now he lined them up, Freddy-Krueger-like, five claws per hand. He stomped toward Banny. Unsteadily.

"How you're gonna live's the least of your worries. Right now you'd better worry about how you're gonna live! That didn't come right." Lissa slipped around to Duncan's front, the flour given her excellent traction on the mostly-food soaked carpet. "Hey, Cuisinerd," she said, 'Cuisinart' and 'nerd', "let's see whose claws are sharper."

SLA-SLASHHH!!!!!

The ten blades became fingers and thumbs before they hit the carpet. Duncan howled as what was left of his hands transformed to human, blood flowing from the wounds where his digits had been. He crossed his arms to put a mangled hand under each armpit, and fell to his knees.

Banny looked at the bag of sugar he was holding. It was probably just as well. Nothing could really follow the flour.

Duncan was crying, streaking the flour, egg, and everything else on his face. "Don't kill me. I... I'll talk! I have information! Useful information! You need me!"

Lissa was about to ask what sort of information, but Banny interrupted with "We can't trust you, gonner. Too many gonners have already lied to us. And Lissa always believes them, so that makes you dangerous."

"I don't always believe gonners, bozo-boy!"

"Did you believe Duncan just now?"

"Ye- no!"

As blood flowed down his shirt and tears flowed down his eyes he said, "I can give you names! I can give you the Virago!" He slumped down further; he sat on the mucky carpet. His hands and the other wounds Lissa had given him weren't bleeding as heavily now. "You want to know our ultimate goal? Bet you don't know it. I can give mundumnn..."

"Uultimate goal? What ultimate goal? Talk to me, you murdering freak! Don't you dare die on me! Don't- don't start turning all black! I told you.... You will not explode, you hear me? You will not- Dammit, I told you not to explode! Now you're in big trouble!"

Banny had pulled her back. "Lissa, he didn't know anything. He was lying."

"Oh. Yeah. That's right." Lissa stood, dripping various substances.

Banny sat down on the messy couch, thinking "Of course," he said, mostly to himself, "he would have known how to turn back to human. Maybe we could have saved him."

"He killed a baby, and her mommy and daddy," Lissa answered. "If the guilt didn't kill him, he wouldn't have been worth saving."

Go to Chapter 55: What A Mess

Go to Chapter 57: Hidden In The Mess

Bring your friends into the Gonspiracy! Tell them about Banny And Lissa and get their eternal gratitude, and a chance to win $10,000 and a Sony DVD Player, because using your friends for your own personal enrichment, and having them owe you for it, is the gonner way!
Home | The Most Recent (Mis)Adventure | Notes | E-ditorials | Letters | Fan-Art | The Message Board | The Store | Links
Copyright © 2003 Dave Lerner Stories
(note that to use the mailto you'll need to edit it in your 'send to' window. I apologize, but I've already lost one address to spam, and if I get inundated again, I won't have time to read your letters.) - All Rights Reserved. Note that this includes images of the Tricryptogon, and the name "Tricryptogon".